What is your problem? I can only assume you enjoy wasting your time and money, because there is no other logical explanation for the incessant chorus of chatter, snack-munching, coat wringing, and mime-whacking going on in the seating area.
Maybe you thought the show was crap. Maybe you were confused, and needed a couple of minutes of lip-flapping to get your mighty brain up to speeds reaching or even exceeding three. Or maybe you were even really excited and wanted everyone to know right then because why wait for the appointed time when people usually applaud when you can communicate your unbelievable joy in the middle of a performance.
Whatever the reason, here's my counterpoint. My thesis, if you will.
SHUT. UP.
There is no conceivable reason for you to be talking during a show. Nothing you are saying now cannot wait until later.
The list of things that are acceptable:
1) FIRE!
2) A-choo
3) Stop grabbing my leg you pervert it's only the first date
are never said in a hushed, ludicrous, tittery voice that cuts through the air like a fart in an elevator. When I hear that smelly pitch wafting through the dim theatre ambience, know that you are committing a cardinal sin which will soon be punishable by public stoning unless you knock it the fuck off.
What depresses me more than your inability to cease prattling like Tourette's Syndrome sufferers on PCP is the knowledge that you seem incapable of maintaining a friendly connection to each other without resorting to pithy, 3rd grade utterances of the barnyard animal variety.
What I'm saying...is that you have the WHOLE night after the show. Before the show! When you head home to your decrepit hovels to gleefully spew mind-vomit from your noise holes! During the show, are you honestly so concerned about your companion that you need to remind them of your presence at all times? And even if you are, why do it out loud?
I know that non-verbal communication is possible. I know because I happened to be attending this performance with one of my best friends. Now, no friendship will ever be as fantastic as this, but I think you can take a lesson from us anyway.
This picture comes close to our awesome, but not quite.
See, this friend and I often watch plays, and we know better than to open our mouths. That doesn't stop us communicating, usually by way of what I affectionately call the "significant glance". There are many different significant glances, and here is a random sampling:
1) This play is atrocious and I/we want to die right now
2) That audience member has an insane laugh and I/we want to laugh with them, but am/are too busy laughing at them
3) If these people keep talking during this play I/we will murder every single one of them and then happily frolick in a meadow
It's worth looking into (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?). I don't know if you're capable of that, dear Douchemongers. But I do know this. There are literally HUNDREDS of other people in that tiny space with you. In the interests of self-preservation, you should probably consider that first.
So let's make a deal, D.M'ers. You promise to keep your upper lip clamped to your bottom lip when a performance is in progress, and I promise to stop writing preachy fake letters and get back to talking about funny shit like killing made-up people.
Deal?
Deal.
Love and Kisses,
Look Out It Is a Blog
P.S: Sorry about the Execrable thing. Your douchemongery is beyond reproach.
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