This Saturday is Earth Hour , the time of year when humanity takes 60 minutes out of their heady, crazy lives to remember that we owe a small debt of thanks to the loving mother that birthed our entire race from cosmic sludge (in the interests of a balanced opinion for our religious readers, we must also posit the theory that a bearded all-knowing magic man instead crapped us out from scrap parts and eventually popped some wise ideas into the head of a magic carpenter who holds us all in contempt through an elaborate guilt complex).

I struggle with earth hour, not because of its intentions but because of the results.  Let's assume, for a moment, that I am not who I am, but am instead someone who callously disregards mother nature and the environment...a "straw man" if you will.  This persona will channel my reservations into a statement (but not a very logically sound argument).

For your consideration, alternate universe me:

"What in the hootenanny do I care if some dodo birds and gosh-darned tree huggin' birkenstock-wearing weirdos are having trouble breathing in the thick flying mulch we like to call city air?  Let 'em go wipe their butts with leaves and crap out some bad GEE-TAR poetry, seeee?  Sweet holy Sarah Palin, these folks are entitled."



But all jokes involving made-up wicker people aside, I've never much understood the arguments for being AGAINST green energy, green technologies, and green lifestyle.  We all know we need natural resources.  We all know we treasure nature.  So why is it we struggle so hard with the actual implementation of green policies on a personal level, let alone a professional one?

That whacko up there that I made up?  We all know he doesn't actually exist, at least not outside of Captain Planet.  We all read about the simple changes that can be made.  It's part of literally every federal party's platform in Canada - in fact, I'd go as far as to say that not mentioning the environment, even in passing, can cost you a big demographic come election time.

The problem is, we can talk all the way until the cows come home (horrendous methane producing fart-factories that they are), but when it comes to following through Canadians seem all washed up (in oil, you evil Albertans).

So, I'll just ask the obvious question:  why not be green?

After all:

Green is Easy

I'm not talking about putting solar panels on your roof or windmills on your lawn (although those are both very real, fantastic things within the reach of many Canadian families), I'm talking about:
1)  Turning lights off when you're not in the room
2)  Watching TV...when you actually watch TV - Dad, you know what I mean
3)  Taking shorter showers
on and on and on.  Christ, these are things we learn about in Elementary school.  The kids in the country are not the problem, we've got them scared stiff of Pollut-o-Tron and the Infinite Smogness (copyright pending).  It's all about habit forming, like brushing your teeth or walking your dog or shocking the monkey or whatever it is you weirdos do on a daily basis.

My suggestion?  Set up a timetable, or to-do list, or reward system (liquor?  liquor).  It only takes a few weeks for something to be habit forming, so try basing it around a productive time of year, like the first day of spring or new year's day or Global Orgasm for Peace Day.  The point is to make it part of your subconscious, which gets passed on to your future generation.  If everyone does it and it's the norm, it becomes that much easier to follow through on.

Green is Trendy

Fiction is all up ons with the green movement.  I'm a sci-fi nerd, so let me use the example of one of the latest Hugo Winners, Paolo Bacigalupi's dystopian nightmare The Windup Girl .  This book is downright frightening in the all-too-realistic way it depicts the loss of most plant and animal life on a global scale.

But if that's too obtuse for you, what about the re-release of The Lorax?  Or Al Gore's controversial An Inconvenient Truth.  Whether or not you agree with these films or their methods is moot; the point is that green is out there, it's trendy, it's even sexy.

And we all know you're a slave to trends.  Why fight the flow?

Green is $$$

I'm not going to delve into the economics of this, because A)  I'm not an expert and B)  I don't want to start a goddamn flame war on the offchance the crazy Captain Planet villain I made up turns out to be real and an internet troll.

Suffice it to say that I personally believe green innovation is key to a thriving modern global industry, because of the jobs it creates, the technologies it advances, and the natural resources it saves.

Opinion aside though, I am going to focus on fact.

Facts:

1)  Using less energy means less money paid on energy bills
2)  Using less water means less money paid on water bills
3)  Using less heat means...you guessed it!  More for Satan.

This is not a matter of opinion.  This is just basic common sense.  Canadians, you like money...don't you?