This Week In: The City Built on Rock and Roll

Happy Friday, Toronto!

Before you all flee to cottage country for the long weekend, why not take a moment to educate yourselves on the weekly happenings of the world around you? And WHAT a week it has been!

Out on the west coast, BC pollsters have successfully collated enough data to prove once and for all that they do not deserve to have jobs. In light of their shockingly wrong predictions, coupled with similar results in Alberta and Quebec, many are now seeking new employment, perhaps in the "guess your weight" tent at the CNE. One pollster, seen exiting his office with hang-dog eyes, was heard to mumble "I should really take that internship with Miss Cleo. She knows what she's doing."

Astronaut and all-around amazing fellow Chris Hadfield returned to Earth late Monday night, safely parachuting into the steppes of Kazakhstan (which could totally take your 'stan in a fight). Exiting the Soyuz capsule with impish giggles and cries of "AGAIN! AGAIN!" Hadfield was taken in for monitored care and study, perhaps to determine just how awesome a single person can be. When later asked this week what's in store for the future, Hadfield winked, sending sparkles of angel dust into the air to the sound of twinkling bells. He then tweaked his moustache and vanished in a puff of rainbow marshmallows. We look forward to seeing his progress on bringing about world happiness.

In international headlines, Australia continues to prove that anything and everything in its borders can and will try kill you, as minister Shane Rattenbury fell victim to a kangeroo attack. Rattenbury, a member of the Green Party, denied rumours the kangeroo was merely attempting a kick at heavy dramatic irony. Indeed, the associated press points out "...in 2009 [a kangaroo] jumped through a bedroom window of a Canberra home late at night and terrorized a family..." A survivor of the vicious assault explained, between anguished sobs, "it made us watch endless reruns of According to Jim! Whenever we tried to change the channel it threw another beer bottle at us and laughed in that horrible, wallaby way."

Specifically, P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way.

Photo by arctic_whirlwind licensed under Attribution-NoDerivs 2.0 Generic

Turning to sports headlines, Hell was in serious danger of freezing over this week as the Toronto Maple Leafs not only made the playoffs but were poised to make a startling comeback in the first round. Luckily for the denizens of the underworld, the Maple Leafs reasserted their uncanny ability to crash and burn most spectacularly, and reality was restored. In a phone interview, the Dark One chuckled, "Sure was a close one! I had my skates strapped on and everything! But they didn't let me down."