This Week in the Land of Libraries and Tim Horton's (AKA Toronto)

Our top story this week, beloved literary icon Anne of Green Gables has been repackaged as a blonde saucy cowgirl for the latest edition of Lucy Montgomery's public domain novel. And if you think this is a triviality, a spokesperson for The Anne of Green Gables Licensing Authority Inc has stated that such a radical diversion from the character's origins merits "a full meeting of the (Montgomery/Macdonald) clan". That's right, Amazon.com. We're going to go full Highlander on your asses.

The saga of King Richard III's lovely bones being uncovered in a Leicester parking lot continues. Scientists have now assembled a 3-dimensional composite which gives modern viewers not only a good impression of what the monarch looked like, but also a wide-awake nightmare that will harrow their very souls. Richard III society member Phillipa Langley, observing the terror fuel, quipped “It doesn’t look like the face of a tyrant. I’m sorry but it doesn’t...He’s very handsome.” Because if there's one thing history has taught us, it's that good-looking people never commit mass murder.

Lllllladies.
Photo by snowlepard licensed under Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic

In US headlines, NRA activist Wayne Lapierre continues to fight for his case despite overwhelming evidence he is a complete and utter tit. Some helpful advice for how to tell that you're fighting a lost cause: if FOX FUCKING NEWS is successfully calling you out on your bullshit, YOU HAVE FAILED IN YOUR MESSAGE.

In science(?), Iran claims to have launched Darwin the Monkey's roommate Sigmund into orbit. However, skeptics have pointed out that the "before" and "after" pictures of the monkey(s) in question do not seem to match. When pressed for further information, the Iranian government released this never before seen photo of the monkey post-flight:

AAAAAGH IT'S MORE HORRIBLE THAN I'D EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE!

THE COSMIC RAYS HAVE MUTATED IT! KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!!!!!
Photo by eyair licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic

On a happier note, the UK passed a landmark bill that will legalise gay marriage across the country. Conservative elements, including lawmaker Roger Gale, are less enthusiastic and believe this bill will lead to the disintegration of traditional values. Gale believes the implications may be even more far-reaching: “Marriage is the union between a man and a woman, has been historically, remains so. It is Alice in Wonderland territory, Orwellian almost, for any government of any political persuasion to seek to come along and try to re-write the lexicon”.

Wait, what? Alice in Wonderland...plus George Orwell. MY GOD.