Dating is hard, you guys.
Oh, I know that these days it's supposedly never been easier to meet people, though if we're being completely honest it would be far more accurate to say that it's never been easier to creep the every-loving-hell out of people from their body measurements to their social security numbers. Online dating has changed everything, folks. Nowadays, you're almost best served to send a robot out to consult with other robots to find the perfect match, chirping in their binary tongue that "MY CLIENT DOES NOT LIKE ORANGES" or "MY CLIENT HAS A NET ANNUAL INCOME OF >$30K." I like to picture them performing their "IF/THEN"criteria in a giant maze, bouncing off each other and the walls that various sites have thrown up arbitrarily like adorable little robot mice, scrambling for that final piece of cheese.
If I sound bitter, I'm actually not. It's my own fault, you see. I send my own robot into the maze with what may be the most difficult programming there is: "MY CLIENT DOES NOT WANT CHILDREN."
In the world of dating, this may be the atom bomb of all bombs to be dropped before, during, or after a date. It ranks up there with "I am a huge fan of the collected fiction works of Ayn Rand" or "My dick actually twitched a little to 2 girls 1 cup." (for the sake of your own sanity, DO NOT GOOGLE THIS IF YOU DON'T ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT IS) When I drop this bomb, I have received a colourful variety of reactions, and none of them have been good.
Only in recent days have I realized that I could chart them the same way one charts the Five Stages of Grief. Which, in retrospect, makes perfect sense. Who wouldn't grieve the Schrödinger's loss of my might be/might not child? Obviously (*OBVIOUSLY*) they all must be mourning the sharp cutoff of my tremendously vital DNA.
So...
1. Denial
"Oh, come on, of course you want kids."
I'm not sure what people expect to happen when they say this to me. Do they expect me to slap my forehead in surprise, stammering in shock and awe: "My God, you're right! I DO want kids! Phew, I must've had a weird blackout there or something, good thing you came along and set me straight." Or maybe they think I'm making some kind of joke? But...what would the punchline be? "HA! Yep, you got me! Everyone wants kids! Anything to the contrary is such obviously bizarre deviant behaviour that it could and should be greeted with immediate and insulting disbelief!"
2. Anger
"That's the most selfish thing I've ever heard."
Wow. You'd be amazed how often people say this to me when I tell them no, I'd prefer that my freak seed remain inside my loins and not be inflicted on a hapless world. SELFISH. Forget never donating money or time, forget telling homeless people to get a job and a shave and to contribute to the society that they are so clearly leeching off while they peel scabs of just-healed rat-bites from their bodies, THIS...THIS IS UNFORGIVABLY SELFISH. NOT WANTING TO HAVE A CHILD. YOU HEARTLESS FESTERING GOB OF TOAD MUCUS.
3. Bargaining
"Oh come on, give it a few years and you'll want one."
This seems like a rather bizarre investigative leap to make. How could they possibly know this? Do they have a direct channel to the ethersphere? A gypsy owes them a favour for saving their life in the Falklands? Are they GOD? I'm asking sincerely here, because if they know this one fact with absolute clairvoyant certainty, then perhaps they could also tell me how to play the stock market accordingly, because oil just ain't cutting it for me these days (come on you precious black gold I know you've got at least 50 years left in you!).
4. Depression
"That's sad."
It is, isn't it? I mean...Jack and Rose came from two different worlds, and despite the odds (and the incredibly, incredibly brief span of time they knew each other) they came together onboard a ship and they formed a bond of love that truly spanned the test of time only to have it snatched cruelly away by mountains of ice and- oh. We're talking about something else, aren't we?
5. Acceptance
"..."
Hm? Oh, we haven't reached this yet. Darn.
Well that was a bit of a downer at the end, wasn't it? I hate to end on that kind of note...hmm...hey, you know what? It's Friday. And you know what Friday means?
Oh, I know that these days it's supposedly never been easier to meet people, though if we're being completely honest it would be far more accurate to say that it's never been easier to creep the every-loving-hell out of people from their body measurements to their social security numbers. Online dating has changed everything, folks. Nowadays, you're almost best served to send a robot out to consult with other robots to find the perfect match, chirping in their binary tongue that "MY CLIENT DOES NOT LIKE ORANGES" or "MY CLIENT HAS A NET ANNUAL INCOME OF >$30K." I like to picture them performing their "IF/THEN"criteria in a giant maze, bouncing off each other and the walls that various sites have thrown up arbitrarily like adorable little robot mice, scrambling for that final piece of cheese.
 |
| b_seven_e via Compfight cc |
"MY CLIENT LIKES PINA COLADAS AND GETTING CAUGHT IN THE R-"
"ACCESS DENIED. JOKE HAS NOT BEEN FUNNY FOR YEARS."
"ACCESS DENIED. JOKE HAS NOT BEEN FUNNY FOR YEARS."
If I sound bitter, I'm actually not. It's my own fault, you see. I send my own robot into the maze with what may be the most difficult programming there is: "MY CLIENT DOES NOT WANT CHILDREN."
In the world of dating, this may be the atom bomb of all bombs to be dropped before, during, or after a date. It ranks up there with "I am a huge fan of the collected fiction works of Ayn Rand" or "My dick actually twitched a little to 2 girls 1 cup." (for the sake of your own sanity, DO NOT GOOGLE THIS IF YOU DON'T ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT IS) When I drop this bomb, I have received a colourful variety of reactions, and none of them have been good.
Only in recent days have I realized that I could chart them the same way one charts the Five Stages of Grief. Which, in retrospect, makes perfect sense. Who wouldn't grieve the Schrödinger's loss of my might be/might not child? Obviously (*OBVIOUSLY*) they all must be mourning the sharp cutoff of my tremendously vital DNA.
 |
| theoriginalbman via Compfight cc |
So...
1. Denial
"Oh, come on, of course you want kids."
I'm not sure what people expect to happen when they say this to me. Do they expect me to slap my forehead in surprise, stammering in shock and awe: "My God, you're right! I DO want kids! Phew, I must've had a weird blackout there or something, good thing you came along and set me straight." Or maybe they think I'm making some kind of joke? But...what would the punchline be? "HA! Yep, you got me! Everyone wants kids! Anything to the contrary is such obviously bizarre deviant behaviour that it could and should be greeted with immediate and insulting disbelief!"
2. Anger
"That's the most selfish thing I've ever heard."
Wow. You'd be amazed how often people say this to me when I tell them no, I'd prefer that my freak seed remain inside my loins and not be inflicted on a hapless world. SELFISH. Forget never donating money or time, forget telling homeless people to get a job and a shave and to contribute to the society that they are so clearly leeching off while they peel scabs of just-healed rat-bites from their bodies, THIS...THIS IS UNFORGIVABLY SELFISH. NOT WANTING TO HAVE A CHILD. YOU HEARTLESS FESTERING GOB OF TOAD MUCUS.
3. Bargaining
"Oh come on, give it a few years and you'll want one."
This seems like a rather bizarre investigative leap to make. How could they possibly know this? Do they have a direct channel to the ethersphere? A gypsy owes them a favour for saving their life in the Falklands? Are they GOD? I'm asking sincerely here, because if they know this one fact with absolute clairvoyant certainty, then perhaps they could also tell me how to play the stock market accordingly, because oil just ain't cutting it for me these days (come on you precious black gold I know you've got at least 50 years left in you!).
4. Depression
"That's sad."
It is, isn't it? I mean...Jack and Rose came from two different worlds, and despite the odds (and the incredibly, incredibly brief span of time they knew each other) they came together onboard a ship and they formed a bond of love that truly spanned the test of time only to have it snatched cruelly away by mountains of ice and- oh. We're talking about something else, aren't we?
5. Acceptance
"..."
Hm? Oh, we haven't reached this yet. Darn.
Well that was a bit of a downer at the end, wasn't it? I hate to end on that kind of note...hmm...hey, you know what? It's Friday. And you know what Friday means?